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ive tons of books that are lined up to read.
just this payday alone, i spent more almost 2000 petot on books. ahihih
i just finished reading jostein gaarder's vita brevis (letters to st. agustine) but im going to re-read the last three chapters because i was really sleepy last night and i barely understood the last three chapters. lol (reminds me,i want to re-read sophie's world by the same author, but i dont have my own copy, so i have to buy one next payday or after i finish reading all the other books that i have)
after im done with vita brevis, ill start on of love and other demons by gabriel garcia marquez. im really excited to read marquez kasi sabe ni tito jun, i should read him and be acquainted of his magic surrealism, a them he uses when he writes. and after that i can finally read love in the time of cholera, something that ive always wanted to read but decided not to back in college because serendipity was so sikat and people thought that you read the book because of the movie, nakakawalang gana tuloy magbasa nuon.
tapos next in line is lady chatterly's lover. and i should finish the almost true story of cedar b. hartley. daming libro
i was also encouraged by my good friend dam to read ayn rand's the concept of selfishness, but its too bigat!! ahahaha.. and its really for her, i bought it for her kasi she's (?!) her favorite writer.
hahaha.. hinihiram nga ng sister ko yung mga books ko e, pero nakaktakot ipaabot baka hindi ingatan. lol. ang damot ko. ahahaha :P
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Thursday, March 5th, 2009
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Somebody ate half the moon tonight..
It looks like a dinner plate perfectly broken in half..
I remember our moonless nights. We hurt our necks searching for that satellite, wondering when will it ever grace us with its presence.
we never held hands, or at least I don’t ever remember holding your hand. I cannot recall ever leaning my head on your shoulder or having your arm around me, much more being warmed by your embrace. We would just sit there side by side, mostly talking about anything and sometimes... sometimes enjoying the silence between us.
Many a night like this, I would look up and see the moon from where I stand – full, half, quarter, yellow, glowing, smiling – and I would think back on those nights that we sat contently together contemplating luna's visit.
I would smile. Half happy. Mostly reminiscing. And I would think to myself, I prefer those moonless nights with you, I like them much much more, much much more than these lonely moonlit encounters.
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at last! i never thought it possible but i have had enough. ive decided to discontinue blogging with blogspot. i've closed both my accounts and i have decided never to open them again.
it makes me smile because i know ill always have my lj. i am getting tired of being ayzprincess and missed the time when i was just midnyt-tears. random strangers often my lj blog, never bothering to comment or sometimes read the whole stuff but i dont care. at least here, i will never have to think of wanting to please anyone else but just writing for the heck of it.
sure it sucks to be an lj blogger because i havent got dsl yet, but nothing will ever beat the anonimity i have in this place and how free i always feel here.
i miss you lj and im finally back.. this time i hope its for good. :D
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Saturday, January 10th, 2009
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bat ba lage kong takbuhan ang lj??
when i am unsure of myself, i run to lj to hear me out. let me in. and im always welcomed. and im always thankful.
i hate it.. not the lj thing, this thing with me now..
not that i dont know how to appreciate because i do. that person or those people should be aware if not have an idea how important they are in my life, how i value them. but that doesnt mean that im not ever going to feel this way.
i just thought there was a nicer way to say it. or maybe i expected too much
ah lj, you let me speak in vague words and i love you. because you never judge or throw blame, you just hear me out and you let me say my piece.
and no, im never done. but i fear that you have become more of an enemy than an ally. not that it would be true because i feel that it is so, but the fear gets the better of me..
exhale. sigh.
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Friday, September 26th, 2008
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dear you,
pagod na ko.
andami ko pang gustong sabihin, pero para saan.. para ano?? hahaba lang..
hindi mo naman kasalanang vulnerable ako.. that i read what you said in a different light..
special ka ha?! iniiyakan kita.. at in fairness.. ilang araw na ang dramang ito sa buhay ko..
hindi ako makapagisip dahil sayo! apir!
sabe ko nga sa friend ko kanina, yes we may set our limits but our actions deny the validity of our agreement.. i guess i just read too much in it..
i hate you.. i do.. not because things didnt go the way i thought it would but because i actually thought that it might..
you had a hand in it too.. that much i want you to admit..i may have gone and created a reality in my mind, but you had a hand it..
you were sweet.. you held my hand.. i didnt offer mine.. you took it and held it..
i didnt just go and lay next to you.. you fished for it.. cmon! we both know you fished for it!
and i didnt ask you to kiss me.. i may have pretended that i didnt feel it.. but it happened..
so dont make it seem like you had nothing to do with it...
i wont tell them what really happened.. i dont want you to come out as a liar..
basta.. we both know what's the truth..
this is the last ill ever talk about it.. this is the last night ill ever cry about it..
i think..
yce
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i dont know what has come over me.. but i closed my blogspot for the mean time. (i wont hyperlink it kasi wala rin naman makikita.. so what's the point?! di ba?!)
im on blogspot hiatus.. i dont know when ill be back.. or if ill be back at all..
i miss the old blog days.. when i wouldnt have to care what id write because nobody ever reads my blog.. or no one that i could care would think differently of me..
i grew up.. im not really sure if that's a good thing..
i want to start deleting people from my ym list and other sites yet again. hahaha..
nothing wrong, really.. i dont think there is..
basta.. ayun..
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| Time: | 9:35 pm. |
| Mood: |  apologetic. |
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it seems i have a talent for ruining friendships..
i know, i know.. i promised not to think like this anymore. and i know sher, bambam jason, chie, alex, pam, and arhey, among others will be really piss at me when they found out about this. and yes, i can feel your virtual batok nudges...
but what if it were true.. what if i was wired this way to create chaos and destroy friendships..
obviously, i feel to blame that a friend of mine feels the way that he feels right now..
i dont know how to make him feel better or how to assure him that what he thinks is not so..
and i do feel that i am somehow.. ok.. that it is my fault.. thinking about it, he did give me strict instructions not to mention his participation in a certain issue..
memory gap!! i feel so utterly sad and helpless.. even bno cant make me smile..
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Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
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| Time: | 5:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  bittersweet. |
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do you know how important you are to me??
if not let me tell you...
you are the warm sunshine creating that rosy cheek feel in my face..
you are the sound of laughter deep inside of me..
you are the memory that makes me smile when all the world seems like a gloomy place to be at..
you are the single dandelion in the grassy field that i can blow and watch fly away..
you are the finally a downhill road after a series of uphill climbs..
you are the "everything i never knew i wanted"
but let me let you go..
for my heart cannot take this anymore..
i cannot go on like this..
i should be content with the sun, to warm my face
my own voice to sound my laughter
memories of others to make me smile..
i am grateful for who and what you are and were in my life..
before i finally say goodbye i wanted to let you know that you meant this much..
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pam,
i dont even know where to begin..
im sorry if i offended you with my insecure post.
i have no idea how to explain myself.. or how to make you understand without sounding defensive at all..
i am at a loss for words and merely sad that i have done this great injustice to you.. that you felt, you were one of the people i was referring to when you have been nothing but nice to me.
i was kidding when i said that "my friends were intentionally wasting my money so i couldnt go to pangasinan," you know how much i wanted to go. regardless of who was there or not. i wanted to go to pangasinan and have a huling hirit sa taginit with the greenies. but unfortunately, i dont get as much as most people do, apart from that you are aware that my mom holds my other atm and i am left with a measly 4k every pay day. i cant make do with 2500 for pangasinan with 4k. i have also promised certain people that i was going to get them something for my birthday. i wanted to bless people for a change and give them gifts instead of receiving gifts from them. i know it may sound like its not true, but you are one of those people.. and unfortunately, i couldnt push through with this plans because i cannot afford to buy the gifts anymore, that's why i didnt mention this to you in the past too..
pam, i know i sound ultra defensive already.. and im sorry i hurt you.. i know we've only know each other for less than 3 weeks but i love being friends with you and the last thing i wouldve wanted is to hurt your feelings..
again, im sorry pam.. i hope you can forgive me..
ill see you tom, ok!?
kisses, ayz
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blogging isnt what it used to be anymore..
i am no longer free to write about what i want to say, when i want to say it..
i have now made friends who take everything i write about, by heart.. i hate disclaimers and i hate explaining myself, but i thought that the title alone of the blog explains how i am or who i am..
i write half truths.. not lies but half truths.. not the whole truth that there is..
i am now entangled in a web of "friendship" easily hurt with the things i may say.. i am in a situation where there's no way out.. where i am no longer me.. but i am also not someone else..
i am officially disheartened by blogging..
please dont take this against yourself..
if anyone is aware that this blog exists.. and if anyone may be reading this.. its just my thoughts.. dont take this against yourself...
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* i have dark circles under my eyes because of staying up late too much.. it shouldnt be a bother xcept that its super halata
* yeay! friday tom i have money na
* need to have a ped, buy and pay load debt
* palpitations sucks!
* kit kat
* im hungry
* cant think of anything to write about
* notepads are heaven sent :D
* isaac is <3
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Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
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naiinggit ako..
shet.. i feel so worthless.. :(
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tae naiiyak ako.. ayz! ano bang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo!!! batok batok batok!!
wala nang background music, meron lang emo mode music.. *insert red jumpsuit apparatus' cat and mouse song here*
tae!
ano ba talagang problema naten ayz? si kras ba o yang pity party mode mo? tae! yang yabang mong yan, naawa ka pala sa sarili mo! potah! lagot ka kay lyn.. galit yun sa emo.. sya lang ang may karapatan maging madrama. hahaha.. peace tayo bes..
wahhhhhhhhhhhh.. i feel like crying.. i need cofee!! i need to sit down.. and think my life through.. yet again.. :(
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e bat ka naiyak ayz?
baket? do you honestly believe that he will look your way.. sweep you off your feet and tell you that he is choosing you above every other girl in this lifetime??
wake up! asa ka pa ayz?! do really honestly believed that someone like him will ever give you the time of the day?? grabe! malala ka na ayz.. you really need to get your head check and while your at it, get your heart checked too..
there is definitely something wrong with you?!
tae! why are you crying?! its not as if he made you feel like he liked you. its not as if he led you to believe that he could like you.. ikaw ang matigas ng ulo na kuntento kuntento na na friends.. e ano ka ngaun? e di balik emo posts ka? e di balik lj ka? e di takbo ka dito ulit?
engot ka kasi! masyado kang feeling! nangitian ka lang, natignan ka lang, napansin ka lang.. umasa kana.. tsaka teka lang, bat ba nagiinarte kang heart ache heart ache e kasalanan mo namang lahat yan!
ano tatakbo ka na naman.. tae! walang katapusan yang drama mo.. ayoko na ayz.. pagod na ko.. pagod na ko sa mga kalandian mo sa katawan tapos iiyak iyak ka naman.. tanggap na daw tapos matagal na namang alam na may gustong iba, naconfirm lang, nagdradrama na naman.. tae! arte mo! alis dyan huy!
ranting.. as usual.. telling myself off because i should have really saw this coming.. not just one instance told me that he likes someone else.. in fact over and over again even before i realized that i was crushing on him, i knew then that he was off limits.. i knew he has his eyes set on someone else.. i may not know then who but i knew there was someone.. and it just kills me because this is really not going to work out naman din.. not that i was wishing for it to work out.. well, ok.. maybe a bit.. anyhoo.. we are far too different, i shouldve realized that.. well i did realized that the day i started stalking him.. see?? im not even making any sense anymore.. and wouldnt this be nicer? better? that i can get a hold of myself before i completely fall over? so why the feeling that i need to cry?? why are there tears threatening to fall.. and why does my chest feels like it wants to explode.. i have that my heart is so big, can somebody just prick it so it can finally explode and i can breathe easy again feeling.. enough with the emoness really.. i want it to stoppppp!!! tae!
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Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
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magkatapat kami at tahimk na humihigop ng kanya kanyang kape. nang ilapat ko ang aking mga kamay sa lamesa, ipinatong nya ang kanyang kamay dito. mula sa magkapatong naming mga kamay, napatingin ako sa kanya.
nalulunod ako. nalulunod ako ng mga titig mo. sa mga matang sa aking lamang nuon nakalaan. huwag mo akong tignan sigaw ng puso ko. nalulunod ako, sa mga luhang sabay nating iniyak. sa mga takot na sabay nating hinarap, mga away na sabay nating nilagpasan. nilulunod ako ng mga mapangusap mong tingin, mga damdaming hinahayag ng mga mata natin.. mga damdaming ikinakaila ng mga puso natin.. at mga damdaming pasisinungalingan ng ating mga labi.
nalulunod ako. nalulunod sa iyong mga ngiti.. mga usapan nating minsang nagbigay halaga sa ating buhay. nilulunod ako ng mga pangakong ating binitawan, mga byahe sa cebu, panganay na lalaki at mga pelikulang ating sanang panunuorin. huwag kang ngumit, bulong ng utak ko. huwag mong ngitian ang mapait nating nakaraan.. mga larawan nating nakapinid sa kahon, iniwan duon upang kalimutan ng ating ngayon..
nalulunod ako.. sa pagdampi ng iyong balat sa aking balat. mga alaala ng gabing higpit ang iyong yakap. mga katawang nagsasalubong, nagsasabay sa saliw ng sayaw ng pagibig.. mga panahong ikaw ang kumot ng hubad kong katawan.. bitiwan mo ang kamay ko, muntik ko nang masabu. binabalik mo ang mga umagang puno ng halik ng panggising., mga bulong ng pag ibig, mga sulat ng pagmamahal..
nalulunod ako ng katahimikan.. hinihintay ang muli mong halik at mga yakap.. mga salitang magsasabi na ako pa rin.. na ako lang ang tunay mong mahal.. sabihan mo na, gusto kong isigaw, na sa kabila ng lahat, ako lang at wala ng iba.
nalulunod ako sa tunog ng iyong telepono.. sa pagbigkas mo sa mga salitang, "andyan na, pauwi na. wag munang patulugin si jun-jun at babasahan ko sya ng storya."
sa tingin mo pa lang, tango lang ang nakayanan ko. at muli kang ngumiti, saka naglakad palayo.
nalulunod ako.. sa mga alaala ng ating nakaraan. mga alaalang hindi na natin kailan pa man mababalikan..
nalulunod ako. . sa gitna ng mga luha at hinanakit na iyong dinala.. iniwan mo dito para ako'y pahirapan.. hindi mo man lang ako tinuruan lumangoy
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| Time: | 6:33 pm. |
| Mood: |  tamaders. |
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i know i know.. what am i doing in lj when i have the blogspot.. nakakatamad magpost sa blogspot lately e.. ewan ko kung baket.. :p
hhahaha.. mukhang nagsasawa na naman ako sa ibang blog page.. thankfully i still stay loyal to lj..
nagexplore ako sa peyups.. ang lumang pangalan, i mean, title pala ng blog na to ay much has been said. hahaha.. i always thought it was something else :D
yun lang.. i miss lj..
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tahimik kaming magkasalo sa hapag kainan. halos alas nwebe na pero ngayon palang kami maghahapunan. hindi ako makakakain ng maayos. dahan dahan ang aking mga subo. pinagmamasdan ko siya. inaabangan ko ang bawat galaw, bawat salitang kanyang bibitawan.
pucha! mamamayat ako sa ginagawa kong ito e. baket ba masayado kong inaabala ang sarili ko sa mga kinikilos nya? kakain nalang muna ako. saka ko na proproblemahin ang mga kinikilos nya kapag busog na ko.
inabot ko ang adobo para ilagay sa aking plato, pero naunahan nya ako, "ma. di pa ako tapos kumain." kung kelan naman ako desididong kumain na, saka naman kinuha ang ulam.
"magtatabi lang ako ng konti para sa papa mo. mukhang ginabi na naman sya ngaun. baka nag overtime na naman. kapag di ako nagtabi, uubusin mo na naman to, kawawa naman ang papa mo. sigurado ako, gutom yun pag uwi nya."
"ma..." pagsagot ko sa kanya na may kasamang buntong hininga. aabutin ko sana ang kamay nya nang bigla siyang tumawa at lumakad palayo sa hapag kainan, bitbit ang adobong sinisigaw ng aking kumakalam na tiyan. "hoy hoy hoy! di mo ko madadaan dyan sa pagpapakyut at mga lambing mo. tirahan naman natin ng konti ang papa mo, kawawa naman yun, pagod sa trabaho tapos daratnan nyang walang pagkain, baka magalit yun.."
tuloy tuloy si mama sa kanyang paglilitanya. paulit ulit na sinasabi na baka walang pagkaing datnan si papa sa paguwi nya. pero di na uuwi si papa. di sya nag overtime at di rin naman siya nambababae, pero di na uuwi si papa. kelan man di na sya uuwi dahil wala na siya. halatang di pa tanggap ni mama na wala na si papa. sabagay tatlong araw pa lang naman. nasa morgue pa rin ang katawan niya. hinahanda para sa lamay. si mama, halatang di pa sanay na wala na si papa, sa gabi lagi pa rin siyang hinihintay. sa lamesa, lagi pa ring hinahainan.
hindi ko alam kung maaawa ako o maiinis. pero nakakawalang gana kapag ganyan si mama. parang di rin ako nawalan ng ama. siguro nakasimangot na naman ako o nakasalubong ang kilay dahil, "o eto naman si jay! akala mo naman kinuha ko lahat, konti lang naman ang tinabi ko. para namang di mo ama yung papakainin mo," palaro niyang sabi, sabay lapag sa harap ko ang natirang plato ng ulam.
"wala na kong gana," sabe ko. " maliligo muna ko, ang init e."
"kakain ka pa ba?" pahabol nyang tanong.
"hindi na!" sagot ko.
"e di, ililigpit ko na to. maghuhugas na din ako ng plato."
tumayo ako at inabot ang tuwalyang nakasampay sa likod ng upuan ko, sabay lakad papuntang banyo, pinipigil ko ang galit at inis sa pangyayaring kagaganap lang. pinapaliwanag sa sarili ko na dapat kong intindihin ang paghihirap ni mama. hindi ko pa nasasara ang pinto ng banyo ng,
blag . mga pinggang nabasag. dali akong tumakbo pabalik sa kusina, nakatayo si mama, ang mga bubog ng pinggan nakapaligid sa kanyan paanan. pero nakatayo lang siya dun, wala sa sarili na para bang may malalim na iniisip.
"ano bang nangyare ma?" sabay pulot sa mga basag na pinggang nagkalat.
"wala nang kanin para kay papa," pabulong nyang pagbigkas, sabay patak ng luha mula sa kanyang mga mata.
niyakap ko siya. "mama, wala na si papa. hindi na siya babalik. hindi na nya kailangan ng kanin. hindi na niya makakain ang ulam na itinabi mo para sa kanya. hindi siya nag overtime. wala na si papa, ma. wala na si papa." hinigpitan ko pa ang yakap ko kay mama, dahil lalo pang lumalakas ang kanyang pag iyak. "mama, andito naman ako e. hindi naman kita iiwan. tsaka isipin mo nalang, masaya naman si papa e. alam ko kasama siya ni lord, hindi na nya kelangan ng kanin dun."
huminga siya ng malalim at kumalas sa aking yakap. nagpunas ng luha at tumingin sa aking mga mata, "kamukhang kamukha mo siya jay. kamukhang kamukha mo si papa," may mga luha na muli sa kanyang mga mata. "sya, sige maligo ka na at ako na ang magliligpit dito," pagtataboy nya saken.
umiling ako, "hindi ma. magpahinga ka na. ako nang bahala dito. ako na ang magliligpit, tapos saka nalang ako maliligo. magpahinga ka na, ma. kelangan mong magpahinga," kinuha ko ang walis at sinumulan ang paglilinis.
tinanaw ko sya habang naglalakad papunta sa kanyang kwarto. nagbalik sa akin ang mga ganitong gabi, sabay naming pinapanuod ni papa si mama, habang naglalakad papunta sa kanilang silid. habang kami ni papa ay maiiwang magkwekwentuhan ng aming araw. maagang matulog lagi si mama, madalas sa gabi, kami ni papa na ang naglilinis ng kusina, para makapagpahinga naman si mama dahil sa pagod nya buong araw sa bahay. sa mga ganitong gabi, habang nililingon namin si mama na naglalakad, lilingunin nya din kami, ipapaalala kay papa na kapag nakatulog si mama na bukas ang ilaw, siya nalang ang magpatay. saka siya tuluyan nang papasok sa kanilang kwarto.
nang mga panahong iyon na naalala ko ang mga sandali namin ni papa, halos maluha na rin ako. pero pinipigil ko ito, baka kasi biglang akong lingunin ni mama, ayokong makita nya akong umiiyak. sinumulan ko ulit walisin ang mga basag na pinggan, habang inaalala si papa.
"jay. sabihin mo kay papa pagdating nya, kung makatulog ako at bukas ang ilaw, siya nalang ang magpatay." hindi na hinintay ni mama na makasagot pa ako, pumasok na siya ng kwarto at sinarado ang pinto. sa paglapat ng pinto sa hamba, dun ko lang hinayaan ang mga luhang naguunahang lumabas, wala na si papa, ma. wala na siya.
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Saturday, April 26th, 2008
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DISCLAIMER: you know how they say, love is not enough. i believe in that. which is so contradictory of me, because i also believe that love can conquer all. have you ever been in love and realized that love is not enough to sustain that relationship? that even after every thing that you have done, it seems things are not enough? i was about to sleep already but this story wont let up and i just had to write it down. it doesnt make sense because, i dont make sense, but i wanted to post it anyway. also, i have this tendency to write as the boy bida or the male character in the story most of the time. i know i know, it doesnt make sense, its so unsensible its on the brink of kapangitan, but just indulge me :D ps. im also not so very good with filipino words, kaya medyo paulit ulit yung words na ginagamit ko :D
hawak kamay kaming naglalakad sa may dalampasigan, sabay na inaalala ang nakaraan - ang mga nakakatawa, nakakaiyak, nakakaloko, nakakahiya, nakakabobo, nakakatakot, nakakatuwa at lahat ng nakaka - kahit gaano man kasama o kaganda, mga bagay sa kahapon pareho naming tinatawanan, sabay naming binabalikan.
"naalala mo," tanong niya, "para tayong mga batang pinagbabawalan magrelasyon, tinatago pa natin sa lahat, hindi naman bawal, para tayong mga tanga," sabay tawa niyang pagaalala.
"e naalala mo nung mahuli nila na tayo na pala? ikaw kasi, di mo mapigil ipagkalat sa buong mundo na mahal mo ako," sagot ko naman sa kanya.
"sira," palaro niya akong sinuntok, "ikaw din naman a! mahal mo din ako."
"di lang mahal, mahal na mahal," lakas loob kong sagot sa kanya. ngumiti lang sya.
oo. mahal na mahal ko siya. wala pa akong minahal, at palagay ko nga e wala na akong iba pang mamahalin katulad ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya. pero totoo yata ang sinasabe nila na minsan di sapat na mahal mo ang isang tao. di sapat na nagmamahalan lang kayo. nitong mga nakaraang araw, di talaga kami magkasundo. kung iisipin mo ngang mabuti, di lang pala ng mga nakaraang araw, matagal tagal na din palang napapadalas ang aming mga pagaaway. mula sa maliliit na bagay tulad ng di mahanap na hikaw, ubos na toothpaste sa banyo hanggang sa saan dapat kumain para di gaanong magastos. nakakaloko na nakakatawa, parang di namin kilala ang isa't isa at pati mga maliliit na bagay ay pinagmumulan ng di namin pagkakasunduan. di lang dun natatapos yun, makailang ulit na rin kaming naghiwalay dahil sa mga tampuhan at away saming dalawa.
sa mga ilang sandali ay nangibabaw ang katahimikan sa aming dalawa. may mga ngiti pa rin ang aming mga labi at halatang naghihintayan kaming magsalita. ako na sana ang babasag ng katahimikan ngunit di ko pa namumutawi sa aking mga labi ang nais kong sabihin, tumakbo sya palayo sa akin, patungo sa isang bagay na halos natatakpan na ng buhangin. sinundan ko sya. nakaluhod sa buhanginan, sa kanyang mga palad, isang maliit na ibong nagaagaw buhay.
"pano naman yan nakarating dito," tanong ko.
""hindi naman importante kung paano sya nakarating dito, hindi mo ba nakikita? nahihirapan na sya," sagot niya sa akin. lumuhod ako sa tabi niya at sinilip ang nanghihinang ibon sa kanyang mga kamay. "kelangan natin syang tulungan, nahihirapan na sya. mukhang di na nya kaya," sambit nyang nakatitig sa kanyang palad. ewan ko ba. alam kong ang ibon ang tinutukoy nya, pero di maalis sa isip ko na parang kami, ang naghihingalo naming sitwasyon pa rin ang pinaguusapan.
"bat di nalang natin iwan? hayaan natin. baka sakaling makayanan naman niyang ulit lumipad," pagpipilit ko sa kanya. pagpapahiwatig sa dapat naming gawin sa aming dalawa, hayaan ang sitwasyon at subukan ulit.
umiling siya. "di na nya kakayanin. baka nga makalipad syang ulit kung pipilitin natin, pero saglit lang. mapapagod din sya at tuluyan nang di makakaangat."
tumayo ako mula sa tabi nya, lumakad palayo. di ko sya kayang tignan, di ko kayang makita sya habang sinasabi ang mga salitang iyon. "bat di muna natin hayaan? subukan muna natin, baka naman kaya nya. baka naman, baka di naman.."
"palagay mo ba, di nya na sibukan?" tumaas ng kaunti ang boses nya. "Paano ba naman siya nakarating dito kung di na niya sinubukan? hindi naman siguro sya mahihirapan ng ganito, maghihingalo kung di nya sinubukan, kung di nya binigay ang lahat para subukan.."
katahimikan. tama sya. tulad ng ibong iyon, sinubukan din namin. sinubukan din naming lumipad. sinubukan din naming magmahal at magmahalan lang. perot tulad ng ibong iyon, hindi na rin namin kaya. pagod na rin kami. pagkatapos ng lahat, eto nga kami, sinusubukan ayusin kung ano mang meron kami, sinubukan sagipin kung anong nanganganib mawala samin.
gusto ko sabihin sa kanya na hindi - na kaya pa namin. na kakayanin pa namin. pero alam ko na alam naming pareho na pareho lang kaming masasaktan, lalo lang namin masasaktan ang isa't isa. sinubukan namin talaga. pero dito na talaga ang ending naming dalawa.
hikbi. humarap ako sa kanya at nakitang may luha ang kanyang mga mata. umiling siya. ang munting ibon sa kanyang mga kamay ay wala nang buhay.
inabot ko ang aking mga kamay at iniligay nya sa aking mga palad ang wala nang buhay na munting ibon. "sinubukan niyang lumipad. maging matayog. pero sa mundong itong maraming kalaban, sa lupit ng tadhana, sa mga hirap na kinailangan nyang harapin, hindi nya nakayanan. sinubukan nya talaga, pero sadyang mahirap," pagpapaliwanag ko sa kanya, sa mga paghihirap ng munting ibong kanyang iniiyakan. pagpapaliwanag ko para sa aming dalawa. isang pagsusubok na pagpapaliwanag sa pareho naming nararamdaman, sa di namin pagsambit, pero sa aming pagpaparaya. sa aming pagbitaw sa buhay namin na magkasama.
tumayo siya, sabay punas ng luha. "sinubukan talaga niya. sinubukan niya," paguulit nya. ako naman ang tumango, takot na bigkasin ang mga salita at magpaliwanag na naiinitindihan ko ang gusto nyang ipahiwatig.
muli ko syang tinalikuran at tumitig sa palubog na araw. isang magandang tanawin ang backdrop (shet di ko alam ang tagalog ng backdrop) ng isang malungkot na pagpapaalamanan. huminga ako ng malalim, pilit na nagpipigil ng luhang nagbabantang pumatak, "mauna ka na sa cabin, ililibing ko nalang muna itong.."
niyakap nya ako mula sa likuran, "sinubukan talaga natin marco. sinubukan talaga natin." naramdaman ko ang kanyang mga luha sa aking likuran, halos mabilang ang bawat angat baba ng kanyang mga balikat kasabay ng mga hikbi niyang di mapagkakaila. tumango muli ako at saka siya bumitaw.
unti unting humihina ang kanyang mga iyak, senyales ng kanyang palayong paglalakad. di ko pa rin siya nililingon. takot na makita siya at habulin siya, magmakaawang subukan namin kahit isa pang huling pagkakataon. isa pang huling subok.
di ko na maalala kung saan ba talaga nagsimula ang lahat ng alitan at ano ba ang tunay na dahilan basta nitong mga huling linggo hirap na kaming magsama ng maayos. oo, mayroon pa rin masasayang panahon tulad ng hawak kamay sa dalampasigan, pero di ito nagtatagal. bukas makalawa, di malayong nagsisigawan na naman kami, nagbabantaang maghihiwalayan. at kahit pa masakit, kahit pa mahirap at kahit na mahal pa rin naman talaga namin ang isat isa, di na makakabuti samin ang magsama pa. lalo lang kaming mahihirapan. lalo lang kaming masasaktan. at ayaw ko na siyang masaktan. ayaw ko na siyang makitang nahihirapan, makitang umiiyak.
oo therese, sinubukan natin. sinubukan talaga natin. pero di talaga yata nakalaan ito para sa atin. ngunit gusto kong malaman mo na minahal kita. mahal na mahal."
naintindihan nyo?! ako din di ko naintindihan e :p
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nicked this survey from one of the blogs that i stalk. really wanted to answer this because i want to post something in lj. jus because i have a new blog doesnt mean id leave lj na. ive said it before and ill say it again, lj will always be my first love and no matter how hard i try to leave it, i cant. its like that song, i left my heart in san francisco, only this time, i left it in lj. nothing can ever beat lj's locked entries, not that this entry is locked.. but still, i love lj features best. kahit na lito ako at di ako magaling sa mga css at html or whatnot at kahit na di sya kasing user friendly ng friendster o multiply o kasing dami ng users as blogspot, lj pa din ako.. somehow, something about lj just draws me back right into its arms.. hahaha.. ang haba na ng intro! this is the sarbey!
1. I’ve come to realize that my butt: are non-existent. I try to grab it and I go, “what butt?”
2. I’ve come to realize that when I talk: I talk with my hands.. and/or that I talk really fast and I shift from one topic to another. Oh oh oh! And also, that I hate being interrupted but I interrupt people most of the time when they do talk.
3. I’ve come to realize that if I love someone: I shouldn’t love him with all that I am and that in the back of my mind think that one day there is the possibility of him leaving me, so I have to save some lovin’ for me self
4. I’ve come to realize that I need: a laptop plus the smart bro connect anywhere. I cant wait for December or july, I got to have it now!!
5. I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost: the chance to spend summer the way summer should be spent; out of towns, swimming, road trips, picnic, being with my favorite people
6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when: I cant go online or when it takes forever for a page to upload
7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk: it would be the best excuse to tell the truth or do something crazy, kasi in the morning, I can always deny it and say that I was “just drunk”
8. I’ve come to realize that money: doesn’t grow on trees, yet I still spend it like they do.
9. I’ve come to realize that my mother: has recovered from her illness when she starts screaming at the top of her lungs and demanding things be done her way in the house.
10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll probably always be: a 12 year old trapped in a growing woman’s body
11. I’ve come to realize that I have a crush on: crush itself.. wala pa akong prospects as of now e.. I cant think of anyone.. well, I think matteo guidecilli and john Lloyd cruz will do for now
12. I’ve come to realize that the last time I cried was: two nights ago, after hearing both jp’s talk about their love lives to me
13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone: is patapon already but I still love it because I bought it with my own money and its still functioning, it just looks basura
14. I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I subconsciously drop myself from the top bunk to do morning rituals and then turn on the pc
15. I’ve come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: I think the night away so that I can drift to sleep
16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about: wanting to go swimming really bad
17. I’ve come to realize that babies: are little anvils :P angels and devils rolled into one body.. but id love to have three of them someday soon
18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Multiply: I check for friend’s update and replies to my comments while I myself have not updated in the longest time
19. I’ve come to realize that today I will: more like, may go to the mall and buy dvd
20. I’ve come to realize that tonight I will: probably be disappointed because a promised gimik would probably not push through
21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow I will: ready my lessons and work for the whole week next week and travel back to lucena.
22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to: SWIM SWIM SWIM SWIM!! Subic or batangas.. anywhere out of town. I want tan lines and beaches and sand!
23. I’ve come to realize that who is most likely to repost this is: no one..
24. I’ve come to realize relationships: are complicated but that doesn’t mean that we have to avoid it all together
25. I’ve come to realize love: is weird, its easy but its hard, its fun but its painful, its cliché yet its contradictory
26. I’ve come to realize my best guy friend(s): used to be my ex now its, im going to go with prince chubby and mike
27. I’ve come to realize my best girl friend(s): are scattered all over the world and the country
28. I’ve come to realize food: is something that I really cant avoid even if im on a mission to lose my tummy
29. I’ve come to realize that when I’m a girlfriend: I tend to want to be the person my boyfriend wants me to be. I give in without fighting and I leave little space to take care of me
30. I’ve come to realize girls and boys: will never be alike but will always find a way to like each other
31. I’ve come to realize over the summer: I should really get out more and do summer-ish things
32. I’ve come to realize heartbreak: is something that you have to go through although you would wish forever that you didn’t.
oh oh and this post was done yesterday morning, pero ngaun ko pa lang publish ;p
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Saturday, April 19th, 2008
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it feels really bittersweet watching horton hears a who alone at home... in front of the pc, typing these words away as horton runs for his and the whoville's dear life away from vlad. i love dr. suess but it seems all i can manage for jim carry, dave carell and the rest of the movie is a smile.. when if we were watching this together, we might have been laughing out loud, imitating horton, the mayor and the city council, we would be using whoville languages, terms and slangs and laughing together, making jokes..
i miss you.. i miss talking to you.. and doing these simple things with you.. remember you promised me that we would be watching this movie together.. among other movies.
mike sent me this text messages a few days ago:
"i miss someone asking me where i am. i miss someone bugging me at night. i miss someone wanting my hug. i miss someone wanting me beside him. i miss someone who cares for me alot. i miss someone reminding me how special i am.. i just miss being important to someone.."
but you know what i miss more? i miss being important to you.. make me feel important again.. remember how you used to make me smile? make me smile again..
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daming books.
reminiscent.
affected.
selosa talaga.